This week has been…stressful. Not for any particular reason so much as a conglomeration of reasons that have been building over the past month and have finally caught up with me.
All of these stressors seem to full under two categories. On one hand there’s the specific, tangible work I need to do at some point - finish planning for the rest of this semester’s club class, edit all the submissions for Infusion magazine.
On the other hand, the more insidious worries, center around endings. I still have four months before the end of my contract (I only have four months before the end of my contract!) but suddenly this weekend the finality of that statement really hit home.
I’m a bit embarrassed to admit this, but part of the reason for this sudden realization was the Super Junior concert this weekend. It was amazing, don’t get me wrong, but halfway through the show my favorite member fell and hurt his leg and ended up disappearing backstage for most of the rest of the show. To make matters worse, they announced the next day that those were his last concerts in Korea before enlisting for his obligatory two years of military service. Silly, I know. But realizing that this concert was probably the last I’d see in Korea, and certainly the last I’d see of my favorite singer, put me in a weird mood. And that started bringing in the realizations that I’m going home, and soon. I’ll no longer have some shabu shabu and galbi available just down the street. I’ll no longer be able to get around easily via public transportation and my own two feet. I’ll no longer be in the same country or even the same time zone as some of the people who have become my best friends.
More than finishing high school, more than graduating college, the end of Korea fills me with dread. I don’t want to go.
But I need to go.
I know it’s the right decision. I know it’s time. There’s nothing more I can contribute here, nothing more that I will get out of being a native English teacher that I haven’t already. At least not at this point in my life.
Which brings me to probably the biggest concern in my life right now - my grad school decision. I learned over the past few weeks that I was accepted to all three schools that I applied to this winter. Which is fantastic, but now I have to decide. I don’t know if it makes it better or worse to note that all three are amazing programs and there is no wrong answer. Because then there isn’t one “right” answer either.
I can’t even think about how I’m going to actually pay for whichever program I choose (loans loans loans). My brain can’t handle that on top of everything else right now.
This weekend is almost completely free - I only have plans on Saturday afternoon for a barbeque with a friend and her new boyfriend and his friends. I don’t know if having a lot of free time will help me relax and get the stuff done that I can handle right now, or if it will just get me stuck in my head even more.
Either way, it’s Friday, the weather is nice and I have no more classes for the day so I’m going to get out and take a walk and try not to think too much.